The Blond Samurai

2006-11-12T16:46:00.000-05:00

Things I learned this weekend:

Elephants are nuts.

Gatsby parties are the best parties.

I’m a total misogynist and I hate women.

Wind It Up is fantastic.

Indie Music is a gate way drug.

And on the seventh day God looked at the world and said....

2006-05-06T18:29:00.000-04:00

RAGE

2006-05-03T10:45:00.000-04:00

Fucking Civil War! Why must I wait till friday?

Mighty Morphing Power Racists

2006-03-03T06:40:00.000-05:00

I think I know why racism is still a problem in the world today. It’s because we all watched Mighty Morphing Power Rangers when we were little. I'm in the middle of an all nighter so my brain is wandering, and I think of the original Mighty Morphing Power Rangers. I get some glee from this, remembering how much I loved the extream ass they all kicked and how cool they were in my pre-formed kindergarten mind. Then I noticed something horrible. One of the two female rangers was the Pink Ranger. That’s not so shocking, you may say, women love the color pink! It’s a fact! Well you got a point there Sexists McBeatshiswife; that is a fact! And it’s not that bad they made one of the women the Pink Ranger, it was an honest mistake. Riddle me this then: why is the Black Ranger a black man? That is right! They put the brother in the black costume. Why the fuck is that? I don’t know, maybe they didn't want the Klu Klux Klan audience members they had to get confused over which hero they wanted to die every episode when they morphed. Maybe when they were in their base or whatever it’s called, with the gay robot (and what is up with gay robots? This dude from power rangers, C3PO and R2D2? Is Hollywood making a subtle statement that gay men are programmed to love the cock?), and all the Rangers are suited up they have to put him the black costume so he can't sneak in and use the white only restroom or water fountain. I bet the Red Ranger and the Blue Ranger would just beat the living shit out of the Black Ranger every time he so much as even looked at the Pink Ranger. Now wait, you may be saying, ok, so one of the girls, the really prissy girly girl of the two girls is the Pink Ranger, and that makes sense, and maybe they didn't realize they made the Black Ranger black, or that would be bad. It’s all one big cowinkydink. And this is for you, you racist mother fuckers, that still don’t see what’s going on; I ask you this one last question: Why is the Asian woman the fucking YELLOW RANGER?

Holy Updates, Batman!

2005-11-19T20:16:00.000-05:00

Fuck yes bitches. I’m motherfucking back and better then fucking ever! 100% more weed. 100% more booze. 100% typos and fucked up spelling. So while this didn’t happen last night. It did happen. And I’m writing about now. Because I had no time before this mellow fucking tip so here I go. I Shaved. While high. It was fucking fantastic. It took me like an hour to get all the shit I needed. I spent maybe another how just lathering my face. At that point I forgot what I was doing, so I started to brush my teeth. Then I remembered. So I shaved. And ran that blade like 20 times across my chin. It felt so silly. Now I did all that in about half an hour. And I didn’t kill my self and take off a good chuck of skin. The shower was another half an hour, because it the soap felt so silly every time I would go to get out I would have to do it just one more time. I was the cleanest motherfucking stoned kid ever. Ever. Then I watched lost. It was a fantastic night. It made me damn fucking happy. I also ate White Castle. Also fucking fantastic. It whole thing was just fuckin. amazing. So that’s that. Everybody must do this once. Its amazing.

Also if anybody has a chance to see the hold steady live. The are fucking great.

What the Fuck? Part II

2005-11-02T16:30:00.000-05:00

So it was 4:20 and I was feeling a little down. Had a cig, and a tiny little bit of pot, just to mark the moment, and went back to work. Of course instead I ended up on the Internet and found this.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-9105575935534995120&q=shingo

Part of me says what the fuck? The other part of me wants to get up and dance. Sometimes I think God made a huge fucking mistake having me be born American rather the Japanese.

Star Wars Jihad!

2005-11-02T02:48:00.000-05:00

So I just finished a paper on Machiavelli and blazed a little before I go to bed, because fuck I needed to be a little stoned. Well I surf the web and I find this wonderful statistic. According to howstufworks.com there were at least, LEAST, 1,161,293 Imperials stationed on the Death Star at any given time. That’s a lot of fucking people. I mean a lot. When we all cheer and shit when Luke blows that mother to high heaven at the end of the first movie, we are cheering the death of over 1 million people. But there is more! According to the site, there was more likely around 500 million to 1 billion people abroad. 1 billion! That’s a sixth of the earths population taken out with two fucking photon torpedoes. (Why the fuck are they called torpedoes anyway? They are in fucking space call it a fucking missile like it is). Luke Skywalker, the fucking personification of good…kills just an ungodly amount of people, not all of them military personal.

I can’t look at the rebels the same way again. Sure the imperials fucking blow up Aldaran, but I can’t help but see the rebels as anything but like crazed fundamentalists. Light side, Dark side. Who gives a fuck? Why do we have to join sides? Between Aldaran and the Death star like a gagillion people just died. WHAT THE FUCK! And who else is on the rebels side? Admiral Ackbar. Now is it just me or does Ackbar sound a little Islamic? Is that a cawinkydink? I just don’t know. All I know is that Star Wars is a fucked up place. Han Solo is right, take the money and motherfuckng run. Here is the site. http://science.howstuffworks.com/death-star7.htm

Porno!

2005-10-26T08:42:00.000-04:00

I just found this through college humor. Thought I should share it all with you. Maybe NSFW

http://www.gamelink.com/display_product.jhtml?src=gl&mall=st&mref=main_p_221813&id=221813

What the Fuck? Part I

2005-10-24T01:21:00.000-04:00

The Blond Samurai is a young blog. Barely a day old and all that. Friends at immigrant bitches have posted raves (I guess… frankly molly I have no clue what the fuck that all means) and there have been some disparaging comments made by a Lily B. While I know we are young and that some people may think that I should take baby steps and feel stuff out, I think its better to try to run before you can even crawl. That’s why I’m going to start our first feature here at Blond Samurai and I’m going to call it "What the Fuck?" Basically “What the Fuck?” will feature something that I’ve found online that defies any logic what so ever, or is just really really dumb.

So I’m going to kick off the very first “What the Fuck?” with this link: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-5175441951317283851&q=zelda

I hope somebody can explain it to me because I got nothing. Later in the week I may try to watch it stoned and see if that will unravel any of its mysteries. Frankly I doubt it. Leave your theory in the comment section. That is all.

Things Fall Apart

2005-10-23T23:33:00.000-04:00

I have just found pictures that have shaken my faith in love. As many of you may know (some of you may not) Rachel Bilson and Adam Brody, the OC’s Seth and Summer, have been dating in real life. Their relationship has been a guiding light to all geeks everywhere and has given them hope that they too can date an attractive woman and still read Spider-Man comics. However things may not be as happy as we all thought. Rachel has just finished shooting a movie with every indie girls wet dream (beside Connor Oberst), Zach Braff. However there seem to be rumors that the two may be more then just costars. There are pictures of them canoodling but for some reason written across each picture is some dude saying he wants to cum inside of you. So hey. But anyway I think we can all learn a very important message from this. Geeks may get hot girlfriends but the cooler hipster indie kids will always steal them away.

But wait Sam, you may be saying. Zach Braff is just like Adam Brody! They’re both lanky Jewish kids who love indie rock and Star Wars! What’s the deal? And to those kids I say Fuck off; you have no clue what you’re talking about, so go back to closing your eyes dreaming of little boys and sticking your thumb up your asshole. Just for starters, yes they are both Jewish. Yes they are both lanky. Yes they both like obscure music. But! But, Adam Brody plays the annoying funny guy who gets his best friend in to trouble for dramatic/funny hijinks. Zach Braff plays the dude who’s on too many prescription drugs to feel shit, and needs to find love before he is ready to be himself while in the back round deep wonderful music plays. Right there all the hipster girls panties just slid right off due to an excess of moisture while thinking about “fixing” him. Sooooo in conclusion Adam Brody is a dork and has a low chance of holding on to a woman like Rachel Bilson, and Zach Braff is a hipster who has a very high chance of holding onto a woman like Rachel Bilson.

But again Sam wait! What’s your point? My point is this. Without Adam Brody’s and Rachel Bilson’s guiding light what will we poor slobs do? The template on which we were holding love has crumbled. What will do? I don’t fucking know, but I’m going to go watch Lost season one and eat some White Castle. Oh and here are the pictures

Blasphemy

2005-10-23T03:40:00.000-04:00

Mood: Smack My Bitch up
Muisc I'm listing too: Smack my Bitch up

Fuck you God! You are now on my shit list. I was sooooooo excited for 70's night and everything and you just had to fuck that shit up! Let’s look at the facts shall we? A) Long ass fucking line in the rain. Motherfucking hard ass rain too you prick. B) The booze was gone? THE BOOZE WAS GONE YOU FUCKER. Fuck yes I was drunk. Fuck yes! But not drunk enough. I wanted my goddamn mudslide you fucker. C) I understand it’s a popular party. I get it. But did it have to be that crowded? Did every drunken kid, girl, boy, gay, straight, whatever, have to invade my personal space? D) Did people even grind in the 70's? How anachronistic is that? E) When I was cool with the rain coming home, and I didn't mind getting wet and I found it somewhat cool and relaxing...why did you make it sleet? Was that really necessary? I mean fuck you really. You dick

Nah I’m just playing I love you God, but man don’t be such an ass next weekend.

Yo Welcome to the Monkey House

2005-10-22T22:33:00.000-04:00

Welcome to Blond Samurai. I'm the next in line to a long prestigious heritage of blog posting. I'm the bastard child of immigrant bitches and Levis nuts. Welcome to my ramblings. Some of you may remember me from immigrant bitches as that kid who uses a lot of curse words and had violent tendencies. I hope we can continue to channel said rage here at blond Samurai. I plan on brining drunken and stoned ramblings in the fine Fieldstoned tradition and upholding the honor of my predecessors. If it were not homecoming and I didn’t have to start pre-gamming and getting my 70’s attire ready for disco night at tabard this post would be a little longer. To all my young sluts, immigrant bitches, redheaded stepchildren, nut inspecting bloggers, and bees, welcome to the fucking monkey house. I promises more drunk ramblings later. Sam out.